I first started hacking when I was five years old. My parents gave me a cheap digital handheld game which only played a single, terrible racing competition with what seemed like 12 bit resolution. I hacked it to play the first ever version of Call of Duty, and when I got bored of playing that, I sold it to Activision so that they could have an actually good game under their belt.
Then I moved on to bigger and better things. I turned all the money from Activision into digital currency, which I then hacked to have an infinite money cheat.
Boom. Now I am infinitely wealthy.
With money no longer being an object, I moved into a giant mansion and dubbed it the “Hacker Hut” and I hacked the police database so that they thought I was immune to all laws.
Boom. Now I have effective legal immunity.
I am such an amazing hacker that all the other hackers stop hacking because they are afraid they might accidentally hack me and then I’d hack them back, and as you can imagine, being counterhacked by the greatest hacker in the world is a bad deal.
Eventually, I get bored because I have hacked everything around me. Yet, I have not hacked the government, which is every hacker’s claim to glory. There is no hacking job harder than hacking the government, because their systems are ironclad. Some say they are impossible to crack.
I say what is impossible, is actually possible sometimes. It’s a good saying.
So I cracked open a cold Mountain Dew and sat down at my hacking station. I turned on my eight computer monitors and cranked up my handbuilt steampowered ultracooled CPU with a swift yank of the start cord. It purred like an angry lion, readying itself for the most intense hacking session ever.
As any great hacker knows, the first step is turning on Incognito Mode so they can’t backtrace your IP. I do so, then pull up the government’s website.
The government has cleverly hidden their secrets behind a password protected firewall, but that’s child’s play to an elite hacker such as myself. First, I try the obvious solution and type in “password”. I recieve an incorrect password error. Damn. I crack my knuckles in preparation for some world-class hacking.
I run my nanobit converter to perform a packet sniff, thereby hacking a few of the letters in the password.
A_mi__
Hmmm…..
I type in “Admin”.
Fuck, that didn’t work. Wait, I am missing a character.
I type in “Admin1”
I’m in.
However, I suddenly hear sounds from outside. FBI helicopters and vans are closing in on my location. How did they trace me? I remembered to put on Incognito Mode, so it should be impossible. Unless….one of my hackerbros sold me out. I bet it was 1337h@x0r42069. He always seemed the shifty type to me.
For any other hacker, this would be game over, but for me, it was simply the beginning. I was only hacking with 5% of my CPU, they hadn’t seen anything yet.
I quickly retrieved a can of diesel and poured it into my CPU, then pushed the overdrive button. The CPU screamed at full intensity as I knocked back a full can of Monster and took my throne.
I run my master program, “hack_fbi.exe”
My CPU sings to me in a chorus of digital tones, “You have hacked the FBI. What would you like them to do?”
Type in the command, “explode.exe”
Immediately, the skies glowed with flames as twisted metal rained down upon the exploding vans.
Boom, literally. The FBI was taken care of.
Now for my final move.
I begin hacking the government mainframe by attacking the central matrix and overriding their commands. Before they even knew what was going on, I was in control of their command center. Here, I selected a drop-down menu and fired the President, then deleted the Constitution. In its place, I put my own Constitution naming me as the Eternal Leader of the United States and Also the Greatest Hacker in the World. Then I named my Hacker Hut as capitol and hacked the marriage license system so that all women were married to me and legally had to have sex with me.
The end.
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